“I have done nothing all summer but wait for myself to be myself again”
– Georgia O’ Keefe
I recently saw this quote doing the rounds and took it for myself. I don’t know the context of Georgia’s words – whether they be heat related or not but for me it’s definitely the heat that is making me feel all out of sorts. Summer here in Madrid has been two months of consistently high temperatures with no respite. I live in an apartment with no AC and every year I think “well I survived last year without it I can survive another year.” Surviving is not fun. Summer makes me downright depressed and a complaining horrible person. The air is hot, it gives you a headache and makes you feel constantly tired with low energy which equals depression for me. I have to stay inside and close the shutters during the day and lie in front of a fan and do nothing. It’s a miserable time. Therefore I can’t paint. Every year I lose two months of productivity and my life feels like it’s on hold. Add to that having too much time to dwell on anxieties and I am very much looking forward to the cooler days of September and getting back to normal functioning human mode.
Get a boring job
I haven’t painted for a long time. I think the last proper go of it was during Corona lockdown when I participated in the Turps Banana Correspondence course. As I am a freelancer who works project to project on films, the idea is to work on my painting practice during periods of unemployment. What inevitably happens is either a) I am too anxious about where my next pay check is coming from to paint and b) if I do get into a good consistent practice it always happens that just as I am starting to find my feet, my colour mixing skills are again intuitive and I’m in the elusive flow – a new job comes up (and of course a freelancer can never turn down work) – so I drop the paintbrush, pick up the stylus pen and lose all my progress. It’s two steps forward and one step back. Or maybe it’s one step forward and two steps back? Whatever it is I have finally figured out that I need a boring undemanding job. I remember when I had a good painting routine back in my twenties and that was down to having a boring and fairly repetitive job that didn’t pay well but paid enough. Some days I finished at 4pm and I would go home in a very relaxed state of mind and paint. Having a boring job allows the mind to wander and dream and I would often come up with ideas for paintings whilst at work. Even when I was not in front of the canvas I was painting in my mind. I was always thinking about the process. Nowadays when I have a job I am so stressed and busy (my day job as a compositor is far from boring, clock watching is done for the opposite reasons of boredom it’s done out of panic) that come the time I can shut my computer down and do something else, it’s late and I am too exhausted to do anything but eat dinner and plonk myself in front of the TV. All the while, trying to solve some comp problem in my head for the next day’s unrealistic deadline.
So I have reached this conclusion after 15 years in the film business. The business that is flailing right now. The streaming wars are over, the industry is still trying to get back up and running after the SAG – AFRA strike and the threat of AI is looming over us. Hardly anyone I know has worked in the last year and we are all hoping September brings with it some good news on the job front. However waiting around for some crumbs doesn’t make a person feel good. You are stuck in limbo. Every time you check your email (oh only every 10 minutes) you feel disappointed because no job related emails have landed in your inbox. You feel powerless, another trigger for depression and anxiety.
Get back in control
Sometimes it can feel like you are not in control of your own life. You have to start steering to feel like you know where you are going. Even if it is just one aspect of your current situation. Starting over is hard. Especially when you feel beaten down by life. But you can do it. Start small. Motivation comes from seeing results, however small. You just have to get the motor turning and build momentum. It’s scary to engage with the world when you have lost all your confidence, but remind yourself you did it before. You once felt like you were doing well and had prospects. You wouldn’t have felt that if you were useless. And remember change always comes. This too shall pass. So start that business, pick up that hobby, learn that language, meet new people… your job doesn’t define you. Give yourself some agency. in whatever way you can right now.
… well that turned into a little pep talk for myself and you dear reader, if you needed it!
I will be posting more about the challenge and the fear of getting creative in the coming days.
